Start here to learn about my duck obsession.



One of my greatest passions, since May 2020, (Pandemic Time©), is ducks. Raising them, researching them, defending them, healing them, indulging them. Engineering for them and engineering with them.

The ducks have been the impetus for learning a ton about electrical workings & parts, and mechanical workings & parts, and fluid management & pumps & siphon effect. And lots of egg-based recipes. All kinds of brain-expanding things that wouldn’t have happened without the ducks.

They were a gift to me, of sorts. I adopted them from my friend Tricia, spontaneously in a moment of imperative relocation, due to her own interflock relationship issues. My ownership of ducks then sparked a village-level building spree and autistic-level obsession with ducks over the past couple years. I am duck evangelist, to be honest. At current writing, my flock consists of: YoYo, Mitzi, Bertha, Lulu and Wrong-Way.

(Edit December 2022 – Wrong-Way got killed by a rogue husky. Flock now consists of: YoYo, Mitzi, Bertha, Lulu, Ingrid and Molly.)

P.S. – “Muscovy Ducks” – are basically just chickens with complexion problems. They have vicious claws and unreliable egg production and a penchant for leaving the yard. They roost above ground. They even have an aversion to water. Who the hell named them “ducks”??

P.P.S. – After further research, it seems Muscovy Ducks were created by the Aztecs – basically from jungle parrots – which explains both their transitional appearance and ancient wildness, not to mention their bloodlust.

P.P.P.S. Geese are more closely related to muscovies than ducks are. The body form you and pretty much everyone commonly thinks of as “duck” is descended from the mallard. Which is interesting in itself to think about.

Tricia needed to rehome two of her ducks. Well, really, she only needed to get rid of one duck, the male, because he was harassing her favorite duck, Opal, to death. Literally, that’s what can happen – amorous morbidity. I think everyone knows the cliché by now that ducks are “rapey”… which is heavy anthropomorphization…

Chicks are notoriously hard to sex, there’s actual freelance experts who provide the service to duck producers. They’re experts at discerning tiny genitals. Like Melania Trump. (bah-dump-pah!) When Metzger Farms FedEx’d Tricia the two ducklings in a box, they were supposed to be a pair of females, but they were not. After opening the package, she named the clumsy cute ungendered things “Sunshine” and “Rain” but after about 9 weeks it became apparent that Rain is a girl and Sunshine is a cranky perverted aggressive a-hole, which is to say a typical drake. But Tricia didn’t have the heart to separate him from his sister, so she was forced to give away the pair. It was a good and noble move by Tricia, as the two are bonded deeply, with Mitzi queen of the flock and YoYo her enforcer bodyguard. (I guess, she could still homonymatically be called “reign”)

Drakes are also monotone, which does become annoying in itself. I heard of some Oregon towns where drakes are banned, like roosters. Not because they’re loud, but only because they’re repetitively irritating.


Female ducks don’t have much of a range themselves, maybe six basic sounds, but at least it’s better than one. As great as I think ducks are – they are definitely not songbirds. But at least the females have a few sonic options to add variety. Nevertheless, ducks still make less unique sounds than your average Furby.

Wahnk, Wahnk!

In fact it’s the females that are louder and more obnoxious in alerting you if they’re hungry. And females are always hungry, because they’re manufacturing eggs. Needing less calories, means less time eating, which means the males have time to guard the flock while the females graze. “Guard” as in – sound an alarm for the rest of the ducks. Certainly not “guard” as in physically defend them. Duck options for defense are flee now or flee later…

Wahnk, Wahnk, Wahnk!

But I definitely like having a male in the flock for natural balance… and even though Yo-Yo can be a pain at times. I toss him into Duck Jail a few times every Spring & Summer. Duck sex means the male grabbing the back of the female’s head, which gradually makes her bald. And then when there’s no more feathers, there’s nipped and bleeding skin.

Owning a male duck has made me shockingly impressed with the biological accuracies of Donald Duck, as a real duck – unlike Mickey Mouse as a real mouse and Goofy as a real whatever he is. Starting with Donald’s angry bursts and tantrums, kind of constantly – that’s accurate. YoYo is basically annoyed by everything and always complaining.

Pantsless sailor suit aside, Donald Duck has an acutely accurate real-life physical detail that you’ve likely never noticed until I just told you: Donald’s tail feathers curl up, as all drakes do in nature. Take a look at Donald and Daisy and you’ll see the difference. Which means you can technically say that Donald Duck is anatomically correct.

And really – the main reason to wear pants is to hide your penis. But ducks normally keep their frightening corkscrew dick retracted inside their bodies. So – no visible penis = Donald is even more anatomically correct!


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